solar lights
by levia3
Summary: After receiving a soccer/football injury three years ago, Kukai avoids anything to do with the sport. One day he receives a CD, and becomes fascinated by the music he hears. However, when he tries to find more music by the same artist, he finds nothing. Curious and encouraged by his friends, Kukai decides to research this enigmatic artist, "Hoshina Utau."
1. Twilight Memories

**Chapter 1: Twilight Memories**

It was a beautiful day. The sun was beating down on him, his clothes were drenched in sweat, and his body was tense and ready - just how he liked it. The football match was already at its second half, and neither team seemed to be relenting. The score was 3-2, with his team in the lead. However, Kukai stood at his position -defense- with his legs slightly bent, ready for the ball, because he knew the tide could change at any moment.

Despite the tense atmosphere, Kukai was also a bit jittery with excitement. Most first years didn't play in official matches. At best, first years were back-ups, which didn't really mean much because almost none of the regular team members had ever gotten injured to the point they needed to be switched out. If a back up was needed, a more experienced second or third year back-up was used instead.

Thinking about it, Kukai was also a back-up, not a regular.

A regular member had caught a nasty case of the flu, leaving an empty spot in the line-up. Kukai had looked at the empty position with a whimsical desire, knowing his chances of being chosen were basically nonexistent. Sure he came to practice extra early, when none of the other member were around to train, and practiced vigorously, but he was still a first-year.

So when the team captain walked up to Kukai as he was doing some stretches, he was shocked. The captain stated that the team coach had seen Kukai train early in the morning (when Kukai thought he was all alone), and believed Kukai had the skills to temporarily replace the regular. The captain even joked that perhaps Kukai could be a regular next year.

So here he was, in the match right before the semi-finals. Kukai gave a small smile, happy his hard work paid off. His face became serious as he noticed the ball moving closer, moving around the midfield.

One of his teammates was trying desperately to keep the ball, dribbling it close to his body.; however, the opposition kept guarding him at every move. His teammate attempted to pass the ball, but it was intercepted by the other team. Kukai could see the ball was going to be passed into his area. He looked at his marked opponent, and tried to move in front of him to intercept the ball. Unfortunately the pass was successfully, and the opposing player began to dribble the ball toward the goal. Kukai knew that if the ball went in to the goal, his team would lose their lead. He saw the opposing player about to pass the ball to the forward, who would have then tried to make a goal, but Kukai quickly guarded the other player. The other player looked frustrated that his pass was interrupted, but began to dribble the ball sideways to get an opening. Reacting to this new direction, Kukai made a sudden turn.

Then he heard a "pop" in his right leg.

Suddenly, it was if a hole had opened up under where his right leg was. Kukai fell to the ground, unable to feel anything below his right knee except pain. He immediately hugged his knee to his chest and gave a terrifying cry. He didn't notice as tears emerged from his eyes. He didn't notice his teammates rushing over to him, all with worry on their faces. The only thing Kukai could do was cry, not only because of the excruciating pain in his knee, but because he knew he could no longer play in the game…

It was a beautiful day.

* * *

The dorm room was completely dark except for the silver of moonlight that sifted through the curtains. Kukai had immediately woken up, sat up on his bed, and reached for his injured leg. But looking at the bleakness of the room, there was a slight comfort: it was all just a dream. Yet, if it was all just a dream, why did his leg hurt so much? Kukai could only hug his knees to his body, trying not to think about the pain that wasn't suppose to exist. After all, his leg was healed a long time ago. Only a faint scar around his knee proved that he had ever gotten hurt.

Despite the pain that was burning in his knee, Kukai knew deep inside that the pain was just an illusion. The pain -like the scar- was only a reminder of what happened, and what could have happened three years ago. And that was what he was scared about.

* * *

*Hello. It may be obvious but this is a fan fiction dealing with Kukai and Utau (as they are my favorite paring in SC, and there are not many fics about them - at least compared Amu & Ikuto). However, because I am not good at writing romance (or fiction in general - I am more of an art person) and the fact I don't like pics that are 100% romance, there will probably a lot of friendship/family stuff going on.

Anyways, this fic required a lot of research. I looked up a lot of information about soccer/football injuries to decide how Kukai was going to be hurt. It was interesting, but I don't want to see/read about the more graphic injuries ever again.

I'm not very confident in my writing skills, so any feedback would be nice.


	2. A Simple Rendezvous

**Chapter 2: A Simple Rendezvous**

He didn't realized he had fallen asleep until he was awakened by a melody. Kukai rubbed his eyes and reached for his cellphone, which was s _omewhere_. He sat up on his bed, and fumbled with blankets until he found his ringing phone. He glanced at the caller ID: Hinamori Amu. Amu was Kukai's junior by one year, so while Kukai was a college freshman, she was still in the last year of high school. Despite the age gap between them, the two managed to be friends through their related friends and their student government activities during high school.

But did he really want to take the call? This was a question he always asked himself when someone called him. He rarely talked with any of his friends from high school nowadays, and if he did the conversations were kept short. But the answer was always the same. A remnant of the past called guilt made him surrender every time.

"What's up Amu?" Kukai managed to mutter, still groggy with sleep and reluctance.

"Well, Yaya and I were wondering if you wanted to hang out today, since it is Saturday. We don't get to see you as much ever since you graduated and went to dorm at college."

Kukai contemplated about what she had said. Ever since he moved out from his home that he shared with his older brothers a few months ago, he had immersed himself in his new life at college. Being busy with the new workload, and adapting to the college environment left no time for Kukai to live his social life. At least, that was the excuse he kept on telling himself. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't avoiding his friends and family by living at a college a bit far from home. But Kukai knew that this was a lie.

Kukai opened his mouth to refused, but he quickly closed it again. He had caused her and others to worry greatly about him after his incident, and perhaps even more by ignoring them over the past few months. It wasn't his intention at all to make them worry, but…Well, it wouldn't hurt to meet up once in a while, right?

He breathed in.

"Alright. Where and when?"

"Remember that cafe near our school? Let's meet over there at around noon." There was a pause. "Is that alright?"

It was already too late to back out. "It's no problem," Kukai tried to say cheerfully, hoping Amu wouldn't catch the falseness in his voice. "I just hope I can get there on time."

He heard Amu giggle at his attempt at a light-hearted conversation. When was the last he had made anyone laugh without a hint of worry? he wondered. "Take your time. Just make sure you come, okay?"

"Alright. See you then."

"Yup. See you later Kukai." The line cut.

Kukai sighed and fell back into the bed, hearing the springs creak under his weight. While he was relieved Amu didn't see through his flimsy facade, he also felt disappointed. It was a contradiction that didn't make much sense to him. He didn't want Amu to worry, but at the same time he wanted someone to notice his pain.

He looked back at his phone. It was 7:38 AM. He had enough time to eat some breakfast, and to work on some assignments before he left.

* * *

Kukai was running. He had arrived about thirty minutes past noon because hadn't expected the train to be delayed. As his feet hit the ground, he felt the backpack he brought slap his back with each step. He had hoped to finish up some of his assignments while on the train and at the cafe -if he had gotten there early. It was strange how despite originally wanting to avoid this meeting, he was now rushing to get there.

As the cafe began to come into his sight, his pace slowed. He saw Amu sitting alone at one of the tables scattered in front of the store with a glass of tea. Kukai noticed that her clothing consisted of her usual "punk" themed sweater and skirt. Kukai unconsciously smiled at the familiar style. He also noticed that she was wearing headphones that were connected to a CD player. Hanging from her chair was a shoulder bag.

When Kukai walked closer, Amu took off the headphones and gave a smile. "I'm glad you came. After a while, I thought you weren't going to come."

Kukai couldn't help but return that smile as he pulled up a chair across from Amu. "The train was delayed."

"Well all that matters is that you're here."

Kukai peered at the menu on the table. However, he quickly looked up from the menu, and glanced around. Where was Yaya?

Unlike Amu, who Kukai had met during high school, he had known Yaya since they were little kids. While most of his friendships were as close sibling relationships, Yaya was probably the only person he could really call his" younger sister." He couldn't remember how they first met, but as long as he could recall, he and Yaya were always together. Whenever she was in trouble, he was always there to take care of her. Kukai was worried, thinking Yaya had got into trouble once again.

Amu, noticing Kukai's fretting said, "If you're wondering about Yaya, she's coming late. She had to take care of her younger brother for a bit."

Hearing this Kukai relaxed, and went back to reading the menu. There was a silence, with neither knowing how to start the conversation. It had been a while after all.

Finally, Kukai brought up a question he had ever since he noticed Amu. "Why do you have a CD player?" It was a bit unusual in an era where much of the music was digital. Most people used mp3 players or iPods to listen to music.

Amu was a bit startled at this sudden question, but calmed down. She welcomed this end to the awkward tension, and was even more glad that the recluse Kukai was the one starting the conversation.

"Well, you remember my younger sister, Ami? She had a phase a few years ago where she would just collect random music CDs. A few days ago our parents told us to clean out our rooms, and then we found her collection." Amu absentmindedly swirled the straw in her drink. "She was going to throw them all out, but I wanted to see if there were any CDs I liked before she did."

"But she did have _a lot_ , so I carry a bunch of the CDs around with me to listen to them on the go."

With that said, Amu reached for her bag, and pulled out a stack of at least ten CDs as if to prove her point. She pushed the stack toward Kukai. "If there is any that you know, or just want to hear, feel free to take it."

Kukai didn't care much for music -he considered himself more of a sports person, or at least he was-, but there was no harm in just browsing. He flipped through each CD, but he didn't recognize any say don't judge a book by its cover but, with his limited knowledge on music, that was his only choice. He was about to politely refuse, but he stopped when he saw Amu's face gleeful with anticipation. Kukai couldn't say no. He couldn't break her happiness. So to humor Amu he randomly picked up CD.

He held it up to Amu, indicating his choice. "I'll be borrowing this, okay?"

Amu grinned, happy that Kukai had showed some interest. "I already told you can take it. Just keep it."

Kukai opened his backpack, and took a quick glance at the CD he had chosen. It had three girls and the word _Buono!_ in big,bold letters. Was that the name of the group? Kukai wondered before stuffing the CD into his bag. He then took the remaining stack of CDs and was about to hand them to Amu when—

"Kukai!" His body suddenly lurched forward, spilling the CDs out of his hands. While he was surprised, he did recognize the pair of arms that hugged his neck from behind.

"Yaya!" Amu exclaimed, standing up from her seat in surprise. Her temperament quickly changed however. Putting both fists on her hips she angrily said, "Yaya! What if you broke the CDs?"

Still clinging to Kukai, Yaya gave a playful bop to her own head. "Sorry Amu. I was just so excited to see Kukai again."

The trio then proceeded to pick up the CDs scattered around. The next few minutes were spent on all fours, with a grumbling here and there from Amu. After all the CDs were picked up, Amu carefully examined them for damage, putting them back in her bag when no harm was found.

Amu sighed. "Gosh Yaya. Be more careful. What if they broke?"

Yaya put hers hands together in apology. "I already that I am sorry."

Kukai watch the two continue to go back and forth, with a small hint of amusement on his face. He didn't realized until that moment, but he had missed his friends and their interactions. Despite wanting to avoid them, it was hard to let go of friendships.

"Alright, alright. I'll try to be more careful in the future," said Yaya, arms up in surrender.

While weary, Amu gave a smile, feeling accomplished in persuading Yaya. "As long as you understand."

The three settled down with Yaya bringing a chair close to Amu, and looked at the menu. Kukai decided to order a sandwich and some soda. Not the best lunch, but he could survive. Yaya ordered three different cakes - strawberry shortcake, red velvet cake, and tiramisu- before Amu told her to stop. Amu already ate lunch beforehand, so she only had a refill of her tea.

Waiting for their orders to come, Yaya spoke up. "You know, it's not fair."

"What's not fair?" asked Kukai. He was beginning to relax, talking more openly than before.

She huffed. "You both know what it is." She pointed an accusing finger at Amu. "It's not fair that Amu only has to wait one year before she can go to college with you. But I have to wait two years!"

Amu and Kukai both began to mentally prepare themselves. They could feel Yaya about to go into a long rant. Despite being in high school, Yaya had remained passionately child-like. This unfortunately included tantrums. While of course she had them less frequently, being more self aware of her embarrassing behavior as she grew up, around her closest friends, she felt more free to act out. In the past, Kukai was one of the few people who could calm her down, but now he wasn't sure if he could accomplish that.

Yaya flailed her arms as she continued to complain. "Yaya and Kukai have been friends since forever! So it's not fair that we can't hangout as much anymore!" Despite outgrowing her habit of speaking in third person, it did come up when she became frustrated.

"Why did I have to be—"

Luckily, even if Kukai or Amu couldn't stop Yaya's rants, sweets could. The waiter came along just in time with their food, stopping Yaya's tantrum. Yaya quickly began to stuff herself with cake. Internally relieved, Kukai and Amu also began to consume their food.

"Mmmm~ This is really good!" Yaya spoke with her mouth full.

Now that the danger zone had passed, Kukai tried to start the conversation again. "Well, what have you two been doing recently?"

Amu said, "It's been the same as usual. Tadase, Nagihiko, Yaya and I are still working on the student council."

"Don't forget Rima and Kairi!"

Amu nodded "Right. Mashiro Rima and Sanjou Kairi both transferred to our school this year, so you don't know them." She paused, taking a sip of her tea. "Rima is a cute girl who transferred into my class, and Kairi is one year younger than Yaya."

Yaya interjected, flicking her fork at Kukai. "But you know Kukai, their both really smart! They both managed to get into the student council despite _just_ transferring."

"What? How is that possible? Elections for the student council took place last year. People who transferred last year can't get just get into the council," Kukai was confused. Had he desired to leave high school so badly he couldn't remember anything from that time?

"There not official part of the student council," Amu quickly clarified. "But they were elected to be representatives for their classes, so we met often though the student government meetings. After a while, we just started hanging out together a lot. Though… I feel bad that Kairi seems to be doing a lot of the student council work."

"It's alright Amu. It seems like Kairi likes paperwork."

"You shouldn't be talking Yaya," Amu retorted. "You just dump all your work onto him." She gave an exaggerated sigh and slumped onto the table."Why did we even get elected into the student council again? We're so incompetent as secretary and treasurer."

Yaya patted Amu's back. "It's just because you're so popular!"

The pair continued to talk about the recent events. Once in a while Kukai interrupted their talks, but overall, he enjoyed just listening to them. He asked why the others like Tadase or Nagihiko didn't come. Amu just stated that they were busy with their owns lives, but Kukai didn't mind that much. He was just happy that he was able to enjoy time with his friends that he had long avoided. He almost forgot why he wanted to avoid his friends.

"—And one time when the boys were playing basketball, Nagi missed a shot. But then Kairi got hit on the head when he tried to get the rebound. The way he fell to the ground when he got hit was really interesting!"

"Yaya! It's not nice to make light of what happened. He could have gotten seriously injured! He was lucky he only got a minor injury."

"Mmm. I guess so, but when I saw that it reminded me of the time when Kukai accidentally hit Tadase with a football in middle schoo-"

"Yaya!" Amu sharply whispered, stopping Yaya's story. They both glanced at Kukai before both looking downcast. The cheerful mood was spoiled.

No one spoke, all feeling guilty.

Kukai coughed, trying to clear the air. He was the one who always cheered up situations in the past, so he felt responsible to do that at the moment. "We-well what happened to that Kairi guy? Is he alright?"

Despite trying her best to smile, anyone could tell that Amu was struggling to keep up the facade. "Ah!… Yah! Um. He's all right now…"

"Well that's goo-"

"Why don't you play football anymore Kukai?" Yaya's voice was soft, but her words were sharp. Yaya looked directly at Kukai as she said those piercing words. Amu, who would usually berate Yaya for talking about such a sensitive topic, kept silent, wondering how Kukai would answer. It was a thought that everyone around him was curious about, but only tiptoed around. No one was brave enough to break through Kukai's facade, content with the peaceful, yet unresolved situation. No one until that moment had ever asked Kukai that simple question.

Kukai broke away from Yaya's stare. He almost forgot; this was why he wanted to avoid his friends. There was a pain in his knee.

"It's not that big of a deal that I don't play anymore." Kukai tried to smile, to brush it aside, but how exactly did he smile before? He couldn't remember.

Yaya's chair clattered as she suddenly stood up. "If it's not a big deal, then why do you always avoid anything about football?!"

Feeling agitated, Kukai rose as well. "I don't want to talk about it!"

Before the conversation could become uglier, Amu placed a hand on Yaya's shoulder. She whispered, "Yaya, let's go home for today."

Yaya opened her mouth to retort, but seeing Amu's serious look she stopped. Instead, she knitted her brows together, and bit her bottom lip. "Fine!" With those words, Yaya violently pushed in her chair, and stomped away. She did not look back.

Amu looked at Yaya's retreating figure before turning to Kukai. "Sorry for messing up your day even though I was the one who invited you," said Amu. "But you know that Yaya didn't mean to sound so harsh." She hastily took out some money -"To pay for our food"- and ran after Yaya.

With Amu gone, Kukai stood alone by the table. He saw on the tabletop an unfinished plate of tiramisu.

"Damn it," he said. His leg hurt.

He placed some money on the he zipped up his bag, picked it up, and left.

He limped all the way to the train station.

* * *

"Yaya! Why did you act like that back there?! You know Kukai doesn't like talking about football" Amu had finally caught up with Yaya, who had walked much quicker than Amu expected. Why Yaya had spoken so rashly, she couldn't understand.

Yaya spun around. "Amu, it's been two years since Kukai got injured. He only needed one year for his leg to fully recover. There's no reason for him not to play football!" Unfortunately, Yaya hadn't cooled off yet, and spoke harsher than she intended.

"But there might be another reason why he is avoiding it."

"And that's why I'm worried." Amu was surprised by the sudden softness of Yaya's voice. "He won't explain anything, not even to me, his bestest friend!"

Amu smiled at her friend's concern. Amu had always viewed Yaya as a bit reckless and immature, but now she now understood that Yaya's previous actions were anything but. For two years, they and Kukai's other friends had tried to gently open Kukai up; however, Kukai never spoke about his problems. Frustrated and finding the previous actions ineffective, Yaya had take a more confrontational method. No one had done that before -not even Amu- as they were afraid of breaking something - Kukai, their friendship with him, or perhaps their own selves. So Amu felt proud for Yaya to take an approach that Amu and the others were too afraid to do.

"Yaya, it's 'best' not 'bestest.' And even though I thought you were brave for confronting Kukai about his problems, I think it's best not to force him to tell us about them. He'll probably tell us when he's ready."

But Yaya only frowned even more. She tugged on Amu sweater sleeve. "But Amu! What if Kukai never tells us? What if he stays like this forever?"

Amu wrapped her arms around Yaya, giving her a hug. "I'm sure that Kukai will open up some day." She patted Yaya's head. "Don't worry."

Yaya stood still for a moment feeling the warmth from Amu's arms before returning the hug."You're probably right Amu. Thanks."

"You're welcome." But Amu was glad Yaya could not see her face as they held each other, for if she saw, Yaya would have realized Amu did not even trust her own words.

* * *

*Hello. It has been about half a year hasn't it? I apologize for this lateness because I was trying to figure out how exactly I wanted this story's plot to go, I really dislike how I write so I was wondering how to make it better, and procrastination. Because it has been a while, my writing style has probably changed a bit (for better or for worse).

Also you may have noticed the use of the word "football" instead of "soccer." I am actually more accustomed to use the word "soccer," but I thought most people use "football," so I went with that.

Another thing, this chapter was actually supposed to be a bit longer, but I cut off that part because I thought this chapter ended better that way. Though I must say that part is also bit difficult/boring to write. I already wrote, just got to fix it up (and who knows when exactly that will be done. Half a year later again?). I'm also worried about the chapter after that which is basically build-up. I haven't started writing it, but it is necessary(?) for the chapter after that which I've already wrote 90% of. My priorities where? Though that chapter is probably the most interesting. Look forward to it (but will I ever post it is another question).

The following paragraph is the author note I wrote half a year ago. It basically just talks about the reason for this fanfic's name. Skip if you done care.

*While writing this fanfic I was listening to various utaites. One video that stuck out was the song『アマテラス』(Amaterasu in romaji), sang by KK. I found the melody fitting for the overall atmosphere of the story. I looked up a translation of the lyrics, and while they don't fit completely, it matches enough. This song is actually what inspired the title of the fic (because I was having trouble making one up). Amaterasu is the Shinto goddess of the sun, and the song often talks about wanting to become "Amaterasu" or "light." When I imagined this story, I see darkness. But then a thin ray of light comes from the light, and slowly brings brightness and color. So after much deliberation, the title "lights" which then became "solar lights" because just "lights" seemed too simple. It is not very original I admit, but it is fitting. Maybe if I can come up with a better title, I'll change it.


End file.
